How my Heart Has Longed for You
I can still remember when I graduated from law school. It was still technically finals week, but all my finals were done. It was a Sunday, I was at church, looking forward to my parents and youngest brother coming out to Vermont for my graduation. People at church were congratulating me on finishing this really ridiculously difficult, expensive, and time consuming thing that I had been working on for the last three years. However,there was a moment when someone said to me, "that's great, but it's nothing compared to being married and having a family. Just wait until you have kids."
In that moment I had no words, I wished that he would have just walked up to me and stabbed me in the heart instead. I think we've all endured some form of this torture. "Why aren't you married?" "Why don't you have kids?" "What aren't you doing/having/being (insert someone else's opinion of what makes your life valuable here)?" I've reflected on that moment a lot because there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that he has no place to be speaking to me like that. He has no idea that right before I came to law school I had dealt with a messy heartbreak, and that my depression game was strong that first year, and that it had led to my eating disorder game coming back pretty strong as well. I wanted to tell him that the thing I wanted most in life was to be married with kids of my own, but I only have so much control over when I was going to meet someone I wanted to marry who wanted to marry me back. I wanted to tell him that even though up to that point in my life I hadn't even had the opportunity to find out, given my family's history, I was concerned about whether or not I'd even be able to have kids when the time came. I wanted him to know that, being the planner that I am, I had decided years before that if I ever managed to be in a situation where I was trying to have kids, and couldn't, that I would adopt.
I also wanted to tell him to back off and mind his own business. I wanted to tell him that my worth, and the work I had put into my achievements was not diminished by his idea of what would make my life valuable. I wanted him to know that going to law school had been my plan since age 12 and it had not been an easy road. There were twists and turns where I was afraid of what was coming next, but as I put my trust in the Lord, HE had guided me down that path, and I had no regrets. I wanted to tell him that at no moment did I feel my Heavenly Father saying to me, "good job finishing law school and all, but... when are you going to get married?"
It's been several years since that moment. A little over five years to be exact. I served a mission for my church and then I started working as a prosecutor. I found the greatest human on the earth to marry. Can I just say as an aside, when people ask you, "when are you going to get married?" where do they think this other person is going to appear? Can they build one for you? I mean seriously, it's not like I had a line of guys proposing that I was turning down. I was trying really hard to live my life right. I wanted to meet someone. I hadn't met someone. What was I supposed to do? Sit around doing nothing in my life? That would be a super desirable quality in a future wife...
Anyway, I look back on the years of my life and I just feel so blessed. Would I have loved to have met my husband years earlier than I did? You bet! He's the best thing ever! Would I have loved to have been pregnant in my twenties when I didn't feel so old and tired to begin with? Heck yes! Those things didn't happen though. I met my husband when I was 29. We got married when I was thirty. I got pregnant at 31.
Guess what, I still feel the same way about how my Heavenly Father views me and my life. Like He loves me and wants me to be happy. Like He is there for me when things are good AND when things are not good. Like He understands that all things are working together for my good, whether I understand it or not. I do not feel like He is disappointed in me for the order my life has taken.
So, the next time you feel like reminding someone that you're happier than they are because of the thing you have that they don't have, don't do it. It's none of your business anyway. You don't know where that person is at in his or her life. You don't know what they need or why their life has taken the path it has taken. It's none of your business anyway. Let's just try to be kind, because you don't know what their heart may be longing for, and words can cut like a knife.
In that moment I had no words, I wished that he would have just walked up to me and stabbed me in the heart instead. I think we've all endured some form of this torture. "Why aren't you married?" "Why don't you have kids?" "What aren't you doing/having/being (insert someone else's opinion of what makes your life valuable here)?" I've reflected on that moment a lot because there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that he has no place to be speaking to me like that. He has no idea that right before I came to law school I had dealt with a messy heartbreak, and that my depression game was strong that first year, and that it had led to my eating disorder game coming back pretty strong as well. I wanted to tell him that the thing I wanted most in life was to be married with kids of my own, but I only have so much control over when I was going to meet someone I wanted to marry who wanted to marry me back. I wanted to tell him that even though up to that point in my life I hadn't even had the opportunity to find out, given my family's history, I was concerned about whether or not I'd even be able to have kids when the time came. I wanted him to know that, being the planner that I am, I had decided years before that if I ever managed to be in a situation where I was trying to have kids, and couldn't, that I would adopt.
I also wanted to tell him to back off and mind his own business. I wanted to tell him that my worth, and the work I had put into my achievements was not diminished by his idea of what would make my life valuable. I wanted him to know that going to law school had been my plan since age 12 and it had not been an easy road. There were twists and turns where I was afraid of what was coming next, but as I put my trust in the Lord, HE had guided me down that path, and I had no regrets. I wanted to tell him that at no moment did I feel my Heavenly Father saying to me, "good job finishing law school and all, but... when are you going to get married?"
It's been several years since that moment. A little over five years to be exact. I served a mission for my church and then I started working as a prosecutor. I found the greatest human on the earth to marry. Can I just say as an aside, when people ask you, "when are you going to get married?" where do they think this other person is going to appear? Can they build one for you? I mean seriously, it's not like I had a line of guys proposing that I was turning down. I was trying really hard to live my life right. I wanted to meet someone. I hadn't met someone. What was I supposed to do? Sit around doing nothing in my life? That would be a super desirable quality in a future wife...
Anyway, I look back on the years of my life and I just feel so blessed. Would I have loved to have met my husband years earlier than I did? You bet! He's the best thing ever! Would I have loved to have been pregnant in my twenties when I didn't feel so old and tired to begin with? Heck yes! Those things didn't happen though. I met my husband when I was 29. We got married when I was thirty. I got pregnant at 31.
Guess what, I still feel the same way about how my Heavenly Father views me and my life. Like He loves me and wants me to be happy. Like He is there for me when things are good AND when things are not good. Like He understands that all things are working together for my good, whether I understand it or not. I do not feel like He is disappointed in me for the order my life has taken.
So, the next time you feel like reminding someone that you're happier than they are because of the thing you have that they don't have, don't do it. It's none of your business anyway. You don't know where that person is at in his or her life. You don't know what they need or why their life has taken the path it has taken. It's none of your business anyway. Let's just try to be kind, because you don't know what their heart may be longing for, and words can cut like a knife.
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