Punching in a Dream

I feel like I'm not currently living a real life.

This life belongs to someone else, it is not mine. Maybe it belongs to 2009 Renny, or 2010. It certainly does not belong to me.

I went to church yesterday. I learned that some people didn't realize that when I said, "I'm going to France in the Fall, then coming back here in the spring to finish my last semester," that what I MEANT was, "I'm going to France in the Fall, then coming back here in the spring to finish my last semester." Thus the question of, "how long are you here?" And the looks of surprise and shock, and the phrase, "oh so you're BACK!" when I said, "until I graduate in May."

Maybe I am not back. I feel like I did after reading the 5th Harry Potter book, or after watching the second to last episode of Once Upon a Time. That couldn't possibly be how it ended. I must be in a dream. I went on campus today to print a few things, and I felt like I was drifting. I saw a girl that looked like my next door neighbor in Cergy and suddenly I heard her voice as she would lean out of her window and call to my roommate to see if she was home. Then I am not here anymore.

A funny thing happens when you become an aunt. Or maybe it is just when your immediate family extends itself out. I was teasing my mom the other day about how she loves my niece-let much more than she ever loved us. She concurred with that statement. It is true though. I miss those three tiny people a lot. It is harder to be here now than it was when I went to BYU and my little brother was five, and that was hard. I still can't get over the fact that he knows how to read chapter books, and he is going to be 13 in February. Of course he knows how to read.

I'm trying to settle in and get comfortable, and have told myself that once school starts I'll feel that I'm back in the swing of things. That is probably mostly true, but there is an odd shift. Like when you go to the eye doctor and he switches to a lens that is just slightly different, but you can't tell how.

I feel like I'm constantly searching for the place where I fit, but I never seem to find it. I always knew it wasn't Vermont, but with the time swiftly approaching that will bring my end here, I'm a bird whose wings are clipped.

Away, so spry, on clouds she flies
not sure where to look
she falls from the skies.
The search begins
for the fallen one,
it is too late
the world is undone.

Where to begin is not clear.
You cannot search,
she is not here.


The Petersons said…
I still can't get over the fact that you lived in France. Amazing. And, it's SOOOO exciting that you are almost done.

In talking with friends, you're limbo feeling is pretty normal. It's hard to come from being away and feel like you're supposed to be there when you know you'll be leaving so soon. I can't wait to have that feeling this time next year.

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