Honesty, Its What You Need, Like Someone to Save You

My blog is funny to me because for some reason I feel so much safer half sharing intimate details about myself here than I do anywhere else.


This is probably incredibly annoying to some of you. I do prefer this method of communication because if I ever feel the need to say something emotionally close to me I can do it knowing that if you don't want to read it you can click elsewhere, or say out loud, "Lindsey, you're being awkward again," and I don't have to hear it. Sometimes I tell myself that I don't care if anyone even comments. Although that is a lie. I get sad when nobody comments. I love hearing what you have to say.


I was just thinking about how weird life is and how I have major trust issues, and yet, for some reason, I can come to this safe spot and spill my guts with little thought of retribution. Okay, that is a lie, I still worry a lot about what I post, but more often than not I find the courage to hit the publish post button and not look back.


I want to be able to do that in real life more. I mean, that is the purpose of real life right? It is real. I like the reality of it, but so often I also hate it.


I am physically in a place where I feel like I don't know anyone at all. I've allowed myself to get into a weird funk about it and I don't like that. So often though, when I try to shake it off it comes on stronger than ever, and I find myself pining for the people who know and love me best.


I think it has only been within the last few years that I've met anyone outside my family that I just loved and appreciated so much that I really truly miss them when we are apart. Normally I have felt like separation is a natural part of life. You meet someone when you need them, you learn from them, then you move on. Now though I have friends, kindred spirits, and I'm finding it so hard to let go. 


I don't think I should have to, and that isn't my struggle. I am grateful for this place where I can come and share with friends.


 I've seen the cracks in my relationship with some of you and its been sad to me, and sometimes downright heartbreaking. I do still think about our friendship with such fondness, and I want us to get back to that place. I know we can't completely because lives change, but I don't like the emotional distancing. I love your friendship, I appreciate it.


For some of you I feel a great bond with still, and I hate the many miles between us. I worry that the distance will come, but I know that it won't if we don't let it. I've shared some of my greatest and most terrible moments with you and we have a powerful bond of friendship that means so much to me.


Then there are some that I have hardly seen in person at all. Yet somehow, through our shared thoughts we have formed this bond, and I find your company here such a delight. I know if we were to live in the same place, we would be the best of friends.


I love finding new people that I haven't known at all. It is nice to see others that share your same values out there in the world. Sometimes you can feel so completely polarized, so thank you for reminding me that  I am part of something.


Then of course, and always, there is my family. The only ones who understand me. The only ones I truly understand. Throughout my childhood nothing was safe except for home and family. That is still so true in so many ways today. My sister likes the story. So I'll post more soon I promise.


I guess tonight I am grateful that in some way, this blog enables me to bring the people I love with me wherever I go. I want to grow the numbers. I want kinship. I also want real life reality friendships.


I've been so greatly lacking in that department lately because you are all so far away and I have felt an overwhelming fail at creating any sort of bond with anyone here. I even had a conversation tonight with someone about it. Someone I have failed to bond with. Human nature is so strange, and the natural man is so full of flaws.


I think that while I do have the problem of trying to cast the mote out of my brother's eye, I fully recognize the massive beam in my own. I let that become so all consuming that I shut everything else out.


Yet I can always come back here. To finding some kind of honesty and safe harbor. To remembering there are those out there that love me, and trust doesn't have to be impossible. I can let go of all of my own kinds of heartaches. I can refocus on my goals. The idea is that I can see you in reality, at your end of the computer. You might be thinking, "Lindsey, please stop with the awkwardness..." but in my heart I always hope you've got a smile on your face as you read what I write and think, "oh that funny girl. Someday she'll get her head on straight."


Publish post.

Comments

William said…
I am smiling :) Thanks for sharing your blog with me!
Docface said…
Hi Lindsey.
Renny said…
Bonjour ma mere.
dances alone said…
oh linds. I have to tell you I was just looking at plane tickets out there. but i forgot where again, and our google chat did not document it! I looked at the burlinton...or something like that in vermont. Is that right? Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I miss you. I love having friends I feel completely myself around. I don't actually have any here, but I have so many of you out there, and talking helps so much to bring me back to myself. I know I need to keep making friends, and that everyone at some point could be a kindred spirit. But i'm not at that point, so I search for those souls I feel most comfortable bearing my own to. I hope you know where to turn when you get in your funks, and telling yourself its stupid and get over it is definitely not the place to turn. But we are always here for you, and you have inside a deeper source of strength than you probably realize. love ya!

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