Someone's At the Crash Site, Digging Me Out

I can't really remember when I first started thinking about law school, but I do remember that by the time I was a freshman in high school it was the definite plan. It seemed so far away then, some sort of fantastic dream. I think that I still have not even fully realized that the time for it to actually happen is quite soon.
I don't know what it is about life that I have so much trouble with. I still haven't really comprehended that I graduated from college, and that was a year and a half ago. I hear people talk about classes, tests, books, papers, finals, grades, semesters, and I miss it. I feel like I've just been ditching like that recurring nightmare I'd have at the beginning of every semester, its finals week and there was a class I completely forgot about and didn't go to all semester and now my GPA is ruined.
The first time I took the LSAT I hardly studied at all, only about two months. I wasn't too worried about it, my first practice test I got a 162. I consistently improved. I was going to rock that thing. The day of the test came and I was suddenly worried and filled with fear and a thousand different excuses for why I couldn't have done well, and then I got my score back and wasn't pleased with it. So I figured I'd take it again. I had all these excuses for why my score wasn't that great but next time I'd do better. I'd wait until I was graduated, until I had time to really focus on studying for the thing. I'd put off applying because really, it'd be better for me to get some experience under my belt, it would improve my chances of getting into law school anyway, and like I said, I didn't really comprehend that graduation was so imminent. I have a degree people, its so unreal that that actually happened.
So I did better studying the second time, and I was confident I'd do better. I was taking it at BYU this time, a place I knew and loved. It was in the afternoon so I wouldn't have to worry that I'd sleep in and miss it, this time would be better. Plus, did you see what I got on my last practice test? Please, I was going to rock this thing. Then I got my score. It was like some sort of sick joke and I didn't get it. Again, the excuses came, well I never took a prep course, that would have helped, I just studied by myself after work... on and on, and maybe getting into a good school just wasn't meant to be. Again with the excuses. Like Shena blogged about before, I just thought it would be easier to fall back on, "maybe the Lord wants me to go to a third tier school for some reason and this is the only way..." so it wasn't my fault you see. It was what God wanted.
I knew that wasn't true. I still could have focused more and there were still things I could have done to prepare myself for the life I had planned so long ago. I just didn't know what it all meant, and mostly, I was terrified to ever take the LSAT ever again. So I applied to nine schools, thinking I knew full well what would happen. Things happened I could never plan on. Outside forces, and things that really had nothing to do with law school, but seemed so connected to all of it that for some reason when it came about I quickly threw all of my convenient, "I'll just go to Vermont" plans out the window, all the while thinking in the back of my mind, "if God wants me at BYU He'll let me in, and then I'll know that that is where I should be, and that this should all work out the way I'm hoping it will."
So the wait listing came, first from BYU, and I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to hope for, and most of all, I had no weak excuse to fall back on, I was suddenly staring right in the face of what I had to choose. Then the William and Mary letter came, not a rejection like I thought, another wait list. I didn't know what that meant either, and I was faced with the secret I was afraid to admit at first, if I had it my way, I'd go to William and Mary. If I had it my way something else would happen too, but I couldn't figure how they could both connect, but there it was again, "somehow, God will make it happen if that is what should happen." So I hid behind that, even though I sensed that growing fear inside me. I remember there was this moment when life basically grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "stop waiting for God to just do everything for you. You are the one who chose law school, you are the one who chose to come back to Provo even though you knew eventually you'd have to face this, you are the one who has to live this life and choose between many good things, but you are the one who has to choose." So I chose. I chose to take the LSAT again. I chose not to take a prep course, I chose not to take any practice tests this time, I chose to stay in Provo for the summer, I chose to hope in something foolish that I knew better than to hope in, and I chose to fight for William and Mary knowing full well that it might not happen still. But, if it doesn't, then I am choosing to go to Vermont instead of putting it off another year. I am the one choosing to leave Provo and accept that I do deserve to be with someone who respects me and doesn't take me for granted.
So, those are my choices, and that is agency my friends, and I do know that God loves me, I do know that He wants me to be happy and can help me get the things in life that I want, but I have to want them, so, that is where I stand.