A Moment With Henry: Learn to Live With What You Are
So, my song of the week is usually describing my life and something that is happening and exactly how I feel about a certain situation. So, I've decided to introduce a new (and first) series to my blog entitled "A Moment with Henry." Most of the time I pick these songs during some sweet alone time with Henry, while we're listening to jams, and I begin pondering my life and how I feel about it. It won't be every song every week, but some thoughts for some of them that I may want to believe are more profound, or just something I need to put out there, get off my chest as it were.
This week is "Learn to Live With What You Are" by Ben Folds. I simply adore this song, and have for many years now. I may or may not have listened to it on repeat last Friday while walking to the grocery store to buy some milk and lightbulbs.
Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts about what this song means to me now, and I think its best expressed in a journal entry I wrote a few months back.
*Names have been changed to protect the... people I am referring to. (Yes I picked names that make me laugh for some reason, go with it.)
** I reserve the right to edit journal entries in reference to timelines or anything else that might give away anything I don't want you knowing.
Here it goes:
"I've been thinking a lot about something Bill said last night. We played this game... and afterwards I said I liked it. His response was something along the lines of, "I think I can pretty much tell at this point what you do and don't like." He said it like he had me all figured out. He is done and can now move on to the next person. It bothered me so much. Who was he to think that after only really spending time with me over the past month? What really bothered me the most was that he had been pretty spot on with everything he had guessed previously. Was I really so shallow and easy to figure out? This question burned with me all the rest of the night and today, and these are the things I have figured out about myself.
I have a hard time in groups because I never want to say what I'm really thinking, sometimes out of fear of rejection, sometimes because I don't care to start a debate. I keep my responses generic and bland. I just try to listen to what everyone else is saying so I can determine what parts of myself will best match them. Not that I'm pretending to be something I'm not, just that I don't care to expose all sides of myself if it isn't necessary. Therefore it would be possible for someone to "completely figure out" that one side of myself that I let them see; but where does thet line come that I cross and say, ' see? I bet you didn't know this, but I feel safe enough in our friendship to share it with you?"
I realize that I first demand people show me I can trust them; what would be a better way to change my approach? There were two times in my life where I felt I took a running leap into open honesty, but now when I look back, I realize that isn't even true. I allowed myself to shut off all parts of myself that I didn't want Frank to see, and just desperately fought to show him that I could be his perfect match. Maybe that's why all of my relationships fail, because even when I believe I've determined I am safe to open up, I still don't. For a long time I basically tucked away all parts of myself I didn't deem, "Frank worthy." I did it with Bob too. Then again, I didn't do that with Harry. I think I was truly open with him, but he only allowed himself to see one part of who I was.
Its time to stop that and start something new. Not from scratch, but new."
So thats that. There is never going to be a moment of truth for me while the world is watching. Its really more a continual flow right?