Is Patience Still Waiting?

So, I know I haven't given any law school updates, and I've got a few thoughts on this subject, so here it goes.
I heard back from five schools pretty rapidly. Three yeses, one no, and one no that initially seemed like a yes (that one was so terribly confusing.) Then came the waiting for the last four schools. My mom sent me one letter that should get here today or tomorrow, and I have a feeling the answer from them is going to be no. Then, today, I received an email from BYU saying..........

I'd been wait listed.

Its funny because I never really intended to go to BYU, I didn't really even want to think about it. I knew I had come back to Provo, and that that has really been such a good decision, but I recognized that I cling to things that I really ought to let go of. So, BYU would not be any place I would want to be any longer. Over the last month however I began wondering, "what if BYU is the best school you get into? You're not going to go to a lower ranked school are you?" Then I began to think that getting into BYU would mean, "this is the place you need to be." I didn't know how that made me feel.
Recently something interesting and good happened to me. Its left me feeling a lot of different things, and my thoughts and feelings and ideas on it change about twice a minute. Its all sort of very tiring and I don't really know what is supposed to happen at this point. I've felt kind of drained by my inherent capability to worry, but things have actually been mostly okay. Basically, it gave me an entire paradigm shift on my previous thoughts of fleeing Provo, again, this time, for good.
Those of you who read this blog may have differing religious ideologies. Some may not believe in God or any sort of Divine Being. Some may see Him as a distant figure in your life, there, but, well, not really.
I see my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ as having direct involvement in my life at all times. I know They love me and They want me to be happy and They do many things for my good. Lately, I think that I mostly just wanted God to make this decision easy for me. Just make BYU the best school I get into as a way to say to me that I shouldn't go anywhere else, as a way of saying, "this is your plan.". I think I mostly just want that anytime I need to make a decision. This wait listing is a stark reminder to me that most of the time, the Lord gives me good options and just wants me to make a decision. This decision, like any other I could make, is going to have long term consequences. I have to decide. I have to move forward, I have to stop waiting for God to plan everything for me.
I feel like Indiana Jones about ready to take that leap of faith. I have to put my foot out and fall forward before I can recognize the bridge that is there to keep me from spiraling to my death.
Of course, I am still waiting to hear from two more schools, but, my decision time will be here soon.

Comments

Breezy said…
Its so so hard to make decisions...especially when they are ALL good...just different consequences. But I know you will succeed because that is who you are. and you are my hero.:)
Kyla Lewis said…
Good luck Lindsey! I'm rooting for you. I hate decisions!
This post really helped me out right now. Thank you. I hope you are able to pick between a bunch of good choices. Those decisions are the worst.... but if anyone can do it...

You know the punch line... :)
(cough cough this is the part where you just believe it.)
Chelsea said…
It is a hard decision also because there is a fair amount of commitment involved. I mean, 3 years of law school (hardly anyone transfers) and then possibly staying in that place to find a job and start your official grown up life.

Sometimes you won't find any great, resounding confirmation. I don't know how P felt, but we only visited CO one time before deciding to move here. And I didn't even feel that strongly towards it. I didn't hate it but didn't really love it. I guess what I mean is that sometimes you won't feel anything strong until after the decision is made and past and it starts to reveal itself as a good decision in your day to day life.

I am glad we moved here. I love love love it. And we don't even have IKEA or H&M! ;)
Docface/Wilbur said…
Hi Lindsey;
I am sorry that I passed the worrying gene to you!

Today I watch the Magnificent Seven. I don't know if you have seen it. It is a classic western with Steve Mcqueen, Yul Brenner, Eli Wallach, and Charles Bronson, (and others). Well, in one part, the 7 good guys who are defending a small mexican town from bad guys led by Eli Wallach, sneak out to go scatter the bad guy's horses. But, when they get to the camp, the bad guys are gone. So, they go back to the little village where the bad guys have taken over. Wallach says to Brenner, "It seems your friends here don't like you much any more. You make them have to make decisions. With me all they have to do is do what I say." This is the first time that phrase hit me with such force. It is part of the plan of salvation, isn't it? We have freedom to choose, Satan would take it away from us. Even the writer of this screen play saw in some small way the beauty of free choice. I am so proud of you for so many things and this is one of the many. You realize that our Father in Heaven wants us to learn to choose and listen to him for confirmation through the Holy Ghost. Sometimes we make the wrong decision, but we can learn from that as well if we are humble. When I heard that line in the movie it hit me with clarity that this point is what is wrong in our society today. Everyone expects everything to be done for them. Our government leaders are trying to take more and more of our freedoms away, even our freedom to fail if necessary. They are telling us the we are incapable of choosing the right way for ourselves, so they will do everything for us. I wish that the rest of the world could learn this lesson as you have.

One more lessson that I have learned is that sometimes, there can be many right answers, and the Lord will support us in which ever one we choose. I know that you will make a great decision and many wonderful things will come to pass in your life. I love you.

(I hope this all makes sense the way it does in my head.)

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