Go On and Get Your Own Life, and Live it Your Way

I would like to thank you, my loyal blog readership, as I have journeyed through this time period of loss and confusion. Here I am, back in Phoenix, wanting to return to Provo come May. Please, allow me to explain. Even with everything I have typed on here, I have only explained one tenth of my thought process.
About a year ago, I think it was, maybe a little bit longer than that, I lost sight of who I was. There was a time when I thought I would never find myself again. It was astounding really, the person I turned into, miserably unhappy, when really, I knew I should be quite happy. I just sort of fell apart. That is when it all began, my desperation to run away from everything and everyone to escape everything.
I knew I needed a break from Provo, mainly because I was afraid that I would become trapped in a cycle if I stayed there. I wanted to go somewhere, anywhere, where no one knew my name really. Not the show Cheers, but the song Boston, does that make sense?
I'm glad I went to Sacramento. I did discover that I could make it there if I wanted to, I was offered a really good job just before I left. A great job actually, that I felt really good about taking. Before I left for Sacramento however, I was told to do the things that are most important to me. I realized that I didn't know what that was anymore. I had grown so accustomed to running away from the one thing I wanted that I couldn't have, that I had lost sight of everything else that I had ever found important before. My last day in Sacramento I had this moment of clarity, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't afraid to go back to Provo.
I want to go to law school. That is very important to me. I want to retake the LSAT and go to a good law school. If I go back to Provo and work full time while I study and then apply and wait to find out which law school I am going to, I will save a lot more money. Its not just California that is expensive, everywhere is expensive. So, I'm going to stay in Phoenix until April, and get a job here, and then go back to Provo.
As for that thing I've been running away from. I may never get it, but I'm getting used to that idea, as painful as it is right now. One thing I am constantly reminded of is that life will never ever go the way I want or plan it to go. That is probably for the best though, since I often feel I don't know what I'm doing.
Alicia, I know you hate it when I post lyrics, but I am going to do it anyway. This is Motion City Soundtrack: "Even If It Kills Me."

I've got a lot of things to do tonight
I'm so sick of making lists
Of things I'll never finish
I've lived here for the last 12 years
Since early 1995 all my stuff has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill
I'd settle every little stupid thing
Yeah you'd think that I would

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind
I tried hard for awhile
But then I kind of gave up
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down
I'm really not as stubborn as I seem
Said the knuckle to the concrete

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment
In my own way

I'm not saying that I'm giving up
I'm just trying not to think
As much as I used to
Cause never is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right some day

For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I'm learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way

I sure want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me

Comments

Bukran said…
Good on ya for doing what's most important to you. Salutes!
Kristin said…
Lindsey!
BitterTea said…
Good for you Lindsey. I know things will work out
Chelsea said…
Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it. With each little glance and every movement you show it.

Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.
Kristin said…
I'm so cultured. :)

life is so weird.
Lil Renny said…
Thanks for the support guys, especially the song Chelm, I always feel I need a hat to throw whenever I hear/read that song.

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